Pam Bondi: A Fine Christian Woman

(Just Ask Her PR Team in Florida)

By Leigh Silverton, reporting from the spiritual frontlines of Florida, where the Gospels are optional but hair spray is not.

Let me tell you the story of Pam Bondi and the Mysterious Case of the Vanishing Backbone, starring our very own Lady Justice in a push-up bra and nude pumps.

Pam—our Magnolia-scented Scarlett O’Bondi—spent eight long years as Florida’s top cop, which in local parlance means she spent her afternoons filming PSAs about meth and her evenings blessing the humidity out of her blowout. Somewhere between prayer breakfasts and Fox News appearances, she had full prosecutorial authority over Jeffrey Epstein—the walking indictment in loafers with 40+ alleged child victims and a “work release” program that would've made Caligula blush.

But no, sugarplum didn’t lift a finger. Not even a French-manicured one. Because apparently, Epstein was “above Acosta’s pay grade,” which Pam translated as “not worth chipping my shellac over.”

Now, this is the part of the movie where the music swells, the wind picks up, and Meryl Streep steps in with a folder of evidence and righteous fury. Except in Pam Bondi: Law and Disorder, the script goes something like this:

INT. FLORIDA ATTORNEY GENERAL’S OFFICE – DAY
A breeze blows through the beige blinds. Piles of unopened files sit next to an inspirational mug that reads “Blessed.”
PAM
(reading aloud)
“Memo from DOJ: Epstein died. Go fetch.”
(sips sweet tea)
Well shoot, guess God took care of that one.

CUT TO:
Pam on Fox News, February 2023
“Epstein’s client list is sitting on my desk right now.”

CUT TO:
Pam three months later, blinking under studio lights
“There is no client list. There never was a client list. Also, I’ve never heard of this ‘Epstein.’ Is he on the Chamber of Commerce?”

Now I’m no lawyer, but if Pam’s memory were any slipperier, it’d be doing the backstroke through Mar-a-Lago’s moat. Which reminds me—why was she so eager to close the coffin lid on the Epstein affair? Maybe the better question is: Who else was sitting in the pews with her at that blackmail Bible study group?

Let’s remember: the federal government and the state government both had the power to prosecute Epstein. It’s not like Pam was waiting for divine intervention. The Lord gave her subpoena power, y’all. And she used it to smite… vape shops?

Meanwhile, Epstein walked free, skipped through a carousel of underage girls, and got a sweetheart deal so sweet it came with a side of whipped immunity.

And Pam? She stayed silent. Cross necklace gleaming. Eyes on the next office. Or endorsement. Or hair commercial.

As Trump’s legal whisperer and blonde whisperer-in-chief, Pam managed to not only deny a client list she previously claimed to own, but signed off on a suicide explanation that wouldn’t pass muster in a Law & Order cold open.

So here’s to Pam Bondi, America’s finest Christian legalese contortionist. The woman who could’ve brought justice to 40 girls but decided instead to try lip-syncing it on Hannity.

Next time someone tells you a cross around the neck means virtue, remind them it might just be a paperweight for all the things they refuse to carry.