To my dear President Trump,

(with love from Vlad)

How nice to hear from you again. Your unwavering admiration for my leadership never ceases to amuse me. I’ve often wondered if you truly believe in your own words or if, like your many disastrous attempts at keeping your hotels afloat, you simply enjoy the act of *saying* them.

It has come to my attention that you are still under the impression that we have some sort of ‘special relationship,’ despite my repeated demonstrations of the fact that my ‘affections’ for you are akin to the cold breeze of Siberian winter: biting, chilling, and utterly incapable of sustaining anything resembling warmth.

Now, regarding the situation in Ukraine, I must admit, I have quite enjoyed the theatrical performance you put on with your declarations of ‘strength’ and ‘peace.’ Meanwhile, here in reality, we’ve been busy showering the skies with rockets of love for you, President Trump. As you may have heard, those “rockets of peace” — as you might prefer to call them — have been falling on Kyiv, Kharkiv, and other ‘romantic’ locations, causing quite a stir. Your friends in Ukraine are feeling the full force of my love. Isn’t it sweet how we keep sending them gifts? I do enjoy playing the long game, especially when it means watching you in such a state of rapt admiration.

I must confess, I do take pride in how effortlessly I’ve pulled the wool over your eyes, much like a seasoned con artist with a pocket full of cigars and a well-crafted story. You, my dear Trump, are the perfect mark. It’s truly a joy to watch you spin your web of delusion, believing that your flattery could earn you anything more than the amusement of a bored old man in Moscow.

And let us not forget, my dear fool, you’ve done exactly as I’ve asked. You, with your incessant need for validation, have done my bidding without even realizing it. You’ve made yourself a puppet, while I pull the strings, and you seem so thrilled to be dancing to my tune. Truly, it is a special kind of foolishness, the likes of which I have not seen in quite some time.

So, my dear ‘friend,’ as you bask in your own self-importance, just know that I will continue to pour my ‘love’ on Ukraine — with rockets, drones, and all manner of delightful chaos. After all, what is diplomacy if not a game of winning the hearts and minds of the foolish?

With best wishes,
President Vladimir Putin

P.S. By the way, have you seen Gavin Newsom lately? What a handsome fellow! I think he’d look absolutely stunning on your American money. Just a thought for your *next* big idea.